What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 08:38
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
According to Trump, Ukraine started the war. Why?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Have you ever had your crush reject you, and then later you all dated and married?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
How does gut health affect mental well-being?
And i lived it daily.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was scared of men, in general
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
She married twice! .
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ive learnt so much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Who then, do I blame.?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I said to her
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We were not on the streets..
Im still living with it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My life is so biszare .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She was in good health!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My family never makes their pension either.